The nightmare

What is the feeling of being a dama de noche or the flower of the night? One fully blooms to splendor at dusk and wilt all its glory along with the rising sun everyday. You are born into this world and die at the same in just a few hours time.

I die every eight in the evening. Everyday.

This is the time when I lost my laptop and since its loss, I am having these stupid flashback moments everyday. Every night. The moment I see my parents, the moment I have a blank state of mind, I remember how stupid I was that night.

It haunts me.

I want to move on but these simple things act as time machines that transports me back in time. I can’t cry, there are no tears yet I feel devastated. Ashamed. I can’t help but whimper.

I know it’s unmanly and unethical to live in the past for a man must live in his future but sometimes the past just sticks to you like elmer’s glue. Unnerving. I want to forget. Really forget everything that happened. But something pulls me back.

Help me.

A very unusual day

Yes the weather was normal. It was always sunny in our town. My mother and sister and the rest of the household also acts normal. But that day was a different day for that day, I registered myself as an official voter.

The moment I stepped of the grubby tricycle, I knew this was going to be hell. Armed with my trusty ballpoint pen, a photocopy of my birth certificate and a valid identification card, I decided to take the plunge. Corny.

The line was so long. First, I need to verify who I am. I gave the copy of my birth certificate to an officer in charge of it. Then I had to wait my name to be called to get a copy of the form. It took me about twenty minutes to get hold of the No carbon form and another twenty to let an officer in charge to fill it up for me. First time voter daw ako and I don't know how to do it properly. Ansakit naman magsalita ng bakla.

Yes, the OIC was a cross dressing guy.

So he, she, whatever, was the one filling up the first page of the form. He was asking questions to me, the things that you are most likely to see on my birth certificate. Gusto ko sanang sabihin na uy, tingnan mo na lang sa birth certificate pwede. I look like a goof here.

So after he accomplished my form with writing similar to those interpreted by pharmacists, I was the one to fill up the rest. Painstaking fill up the rest of it. And after complying, I submitted it to him. He said I should return after the noon break for it's already twelve noon. And just in time as I went back that afternoon, I was called to get in the office for the biometrics.

Biometrics my butt, it was more of a gag show when i was inside. First you get to pass the form to the one encoding the data. You get criticized for what name you have and how slow you respond to questions posed. To get the fingerprint one has to scan it with a laser scanner. Sabi ko anung unang finger tinuro nya lang yung monitor. Both my thumb and index were scanned two times. Feel ko pag nakalabas yung laser, sunog na yung daliri ko at mukha.

Now to the most fun part. Picture taking.

Hell it was no fun. I have very sensitive eyes and the only reason I don't wear a pair of glasses is because my parents can't afford one. I was told to look at a camera two feet away from me. I presumed this was a seroius moment so I made my serious look. Then poof. Meron pa lang flash ang lokong camera. Nag blink ako tuloy kasi sobrang lapit.

Take two. Poof. Parang lasenggo mukha ko. I have uneven eyes daw. A, medyo alam ko na yan at matagal na.

Take three. Pareho parin. Parang walang difference daw? Ano ba yung problema sa ata ko ask ni ate.

Take four, ganun parin. I look drunk. Sabi nya, at parang napipikon na, Ayusin mo nga. As if i don't want to have a single sane pic.

Take five. Kumipo yung dalawa kung mata. She asks if this is my idea of a joke, sabi ko hindi. May flash kasi, sana kinuha yung flash dahil malapit masyado for the use of a flash. Tumawa lang sya. And the other guy inside the office also did.

Take six. The photo still looks like those after party photos. Sabi nya tama na daw yun. Okay. To end my humiliation.

The woman detached the slip for me and did not say anything. I asked if this was the last step and she just nooded. Sheesh.

In general, registering yourself is easy yet the pople involved in the process are not. Two days to go so strat running folks. Start running to the nearest COMELEC office and be involved.

Why I never bothered studying other subjects

Don't pressure youself. That was my quotation of the week.

That's why I did not work my heart out in studying for three of my exams. I just scanned the books a few hours before the test. No memorizing. Just scanning.

Wwhy did I do something that sounds nuts and stupid?

Well first it is because the subjects are dull and uninteresting. Nothing is a greater killer than boredom.

Second, the teahcers don't give a sh*t about you. They just kept yapping and yapping without sense. I had one subject which I had learned facts and information only through my classmates. She lets us all report. And she say's just a few sentences. One. Two but not more than twenty the whole class hour. We do not count her mandates on my classmate to buy her snacks.

Third, I alloted the time to study for my major exams. If I want to go nuts, at least I chose the one that's easy to crack.

Fourth, it's beacuse I know that the exam would not be difficult.

I have psychic abilities you know./KP

Why I'm going to marry Amanda Bynes

This girl is uber hot. I mean uber with the u that has two dots on top, i can't fint the symbol on the pc anywhere. So after I broke down with my very choleric depressed state, I was fortunate enough to see another not-so yet chick flick.

Yes it may seem look like fag if guys watch these movies, but if it has Amanda Bynes in it, anyone would go for being a fag.

Sindey White. A play of words in the title just then. But it goes to more than the title, it goes deeper to the characters, to the plot, to the sequencing;everything with the adage of some fra-so conspiracy plots. It starts like any fairytale turned real, girl gets to live okay, then she suffers, then she flees evil people, meet support, comes back, fails, meets prince, comes back, lives h.e.a. (that's happily ever after).

Like the stupidly funny She's the Man, Sidney White's humor carries within the Amanda Bynes signature where she ogles out her eyes and yet you can't get enough of that chubby face. Did I say she's uber hot?

Too bad this movie was not shown in the local cinemas.

Say goodbye f-ster, hello f-book

It's a euphoria everywhere.

No it's just another blimp in the every trendy lifestyle of the Pinoy and it's what the Americans invented called Facebook. Yes ladies and gentlemen it has been around and no it is not the sister network of the ever-Pinoy-popular Friendster (although their separation is only three degrees).

According to thedigitalfilipino.com, Philippines-based users yields around 611,000 to 612,000 logon everyday since March 1. Majority of that are women at 353,000. Majority of that are in the age group - 18 to 34 years old (around 260,000). Dominant are college students or yuppies at 18-24 years old (around 150,000++). The same age group dominates on the male segment as well. The growth of Facebook users in the Philippines is still low in comparison to Friendster which has an estimated 13 million active users. Although it is growing noting that there were 489,420 users as of February 4 from 353,740 last November 27, 2008.

It's like planting a new crop for the next season. Like changing underwear in a society who just awakened to the constraints of having one undergarment.

And people here in this country think they are the first? Please. You're just second hand users.

Then there is this problem rising. That there are too many nonsense bugs now infiltrating Facebook. Don't they know that when Pinoys know something and think it's hip, they will clog the system with all crap?

Remember Friendster six years ago? Look at it now. It's a Filipino dump. Hala sige kahit walang pera basta maparami ang friends.

Now, it's still the same routine with Facebook. With the addition of petty addicting cute games that are designed for 5th graders.

But honestly, I prefer Facebook. Hey, I'm still Pinoy. I still have the "i-need-to-have-it-'coz-everyone-is-having-it". Besides. I always like to give comments-unsolicited or not./KP

Nobelized

President-elect Barrack Obama of the United States of America is now a Nobel Peace Prize winner.

Isn't that a surprise.

I was expecting that he'd be one the moment he stepped inside the Oval Office. Though only more than ten months in office, the president of the US has already done something ridiculously absurd yet clear. He showed change in a monotonous society.

Obama was a start and embodiment of change, not just for America but for everyone in the globe who has heard the news over cable television.

Maybe Noynoy will be one too. A start and embodiment of change for our porn and facebook (last year it was friendster)-addict country.

On being slapped

I hate pinoy drama. The reason is that most of them, no, all of them, include happy slapping scenes between two opposing fronts.

Yesterday was a peculiar day. Very peculiar. I was slapped in the face-metaphorically. Binastos.

So what happened?

Our chairperson (Joy), was handing out the Clearance Forms for this semester since it's almost finals. Then she explained that the clearances are to be signed and individually processed. Everyone looked at her. Then one brave soul asked, "Ngaman indi tingob? (Why not process it as a whole section?". Joy looked at me and waited for an answer.

Earlier I was the temporary chairperson for the second semester and I had a hard time processing the clearances since some did not pay their sanctions or have atrasos pa with the people who are in the signatories. And I said to her in one instance after the elections and she was elected, "Mag clearance sila ipa-process mo, para kabalo man sila kag di mag salig (When the clearances comes, let them process their own papers so that they will know how to and not just depend on you". I sis not know she would heed unsolicited very outspoken advice.

So I answered the one who asked in a plain metaphorical proverbial phrase- "Because it tends to breed Lazy Juans". A quote I culled from our guidelines at the publication. They just looked at me in disbelief. The few lines of the person who asked were a blurb in my head now and I can't remember it. Some of my classmates verbally complained. Blurry images. Blurry. All I can remember are their eyes.

Their eyes who look like they are going to roll like Clara's in Mara Clara. Sinister, tired, and very piercing. Like they are so tired of you yapping and telling things at their faces.

So to tell them why this solo flight operations are imposed, I want to speak again. However someone is speaking in front. I called the speaker's attention and the speaker ignores me. I called for the 3rd time I think the phrase "Excuse me." and everyone was looking at me waiting for me to speak or something. But the speaker who was calling out sanctions totally ignored me. Instead, the speaker elevates it's voice level almost half shouting just to drown my call to floor. It's not my habit not to speak if I am not acknowledged. So I waited. Then my chair tried to butt in but the speaker said, "Excuse me, I am not done." So our chairperson ebbed back and the speaker continues talking and when the list is done. The speaker gives me this quick but piercing look as if saying, "Sorry ka, I won't give you a chance to speak."

I was totally flushed. I wanted to regain composure but my classmates were already walking out the room even though the chairperson is talking. So I wasn't composed and I walked out of the room after the chairperson has spoken and not talking to anyone in particular, I said verbally- "Fine. You don't have ethics, okay. Bulls***."


Then I hear someone in the back say, "Go to hell." I don't need to look back, I know the voice and that statement very well. I hear that almost everyday for the past sixteen months.

Sorry for the cusswords but it's what I said in a fit. I was infuriated. I was slapped in the face for doing some simple explanation and clarification.

Then I analyzed, what happened. Why was I angry?

I was angry because I was unable to say something. I was angry because I was a wreck in front of my classmates. For me at that moment, my classmate just showed how an inappropriate individual acts like. I was trying to call his attention deliberately. Deliberately that everyone turned heads towards me. He could hear it, I know he could. Even our pretending-deaf classmate heard me that time. But he chose not to listen for my plea of the floor. He chose to ignore me.

Then again I asked, why was he angry with me?

Then it came back to the decision that we would process our clearances individually. Maybe they were against it. No, they were definitely against it. If we analyze the chairperson's decision, it was insanely sound. Very sound. I just wondered why they reacted that way. Was it the term "Lazy juans"?

When you look back in our section's history, and even our colleges', were are the sloths of all. We like to be spoon fed, we love to have it our way and we simply love to earn without working hard for it. We love to have a 1.0 grade for a professor who does not attend classes. Why? It's a no-sweat chance! We don't like to drop bullets of sweat and anyone who denies this fact is either a very industrious active student or either crazy.

But most of the people will say you are crazy if you don't see it this way.

I wonder if they saw the opposite side of the story and not only their side.

Their side: I won't have my vacation, huhu. I can't go home and relax.

Our side: So that they will have sense of work and sense of doing. So that they will learn how to process things. AND there is equality not slavery.

But they say, that is the job of the chairperson. Is there a written code that the chairperson has to process your clearance? The way I understand it, we INDIVIDUALLY need to be cleared of OUR INDIVIDUAL debts so that we INDIVIDUALLY enroll ourselves next semester. Does that mean that the chairperson will also enroll everyone else at the same time?

At hello, tao at estudyante rin po yung chairperson. Kailangan rin nang bakasyon. JUST LIKE YOU. Tapos sasabihin nyo lang LEARN TO SACRIFICE at ni kayo hindi maka balik nang school for just a 3-day span to SIGN YOUR OWN CLEARANCE FORM?

Open up your minds to more responsibilities. DO not chuck it all out to one person. Pag nagaganahan yung tao, babarahan nyo nang sandamakmak na gawain. Makatarungan ba yon?

Leaders are servants yes but not SLAVES.

To back up at the butt-talking incident, I said Excuse me. In any court and in any Parliamentary Procedure executed, you should acknowledge me. Even though you were in the middle of something. And if someone is talking in front, and if they are your leaders, respect them and don't walk out of the room until they are done talking even if they talk nonsense sometimes.

Ethics. Professionalism. Not sappy attitudes of ten-year-olds.

I then accounted some comments on the individual processing of clearances. Most of them stated self-implied and semi-selfish reasons, "Sem break mo, mapuli ko ya, malayo balay ko mo." (It's the semester break, I need to go home, my house is very far." This and that. Illogical. Very illogical.

I don't know about you but I think this way. I am entitled to the freedom of speech and free press in this blog. If you react violently, it simply means you are guilty of being the other party. As a Filipino proverb would say (plus some redefining by Fanny Serrano), "Bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan, GUILTY!"

Why I won't enter public office

I'll only have one reason and that is because the benefits are cheap, uneven and the agency who holds it is the number two most corrupt agency in the government.

GSIS is the queen of corruption (BOC is the king).

When I saw the news about the Ondoy victims who needed a loan and could not be granted, I was furious. I remember the time when Nanay was denied of one because she has still a loan she needs to pay up. The thing is, the loan is a ghost loan. Nanay did not want to loan for a house.

So why is the GSIS expelling and not entertaining loan people?

I have my theories:

1. They don't have enough COH (cash on hand).
2. The summation of accounts are blindingly inaccurate.
3. The officials are just lazy to do fast rapid typing and counting.
4. They are already secretly bankrupt.
5. They are just stupid ignorant people who only look to their needs and not their clientele.

Libel all you want but this is what the people think about you. You are Garcia's evil army. You make old women take flights of stairs just to deny their money.

You are mean. Much mean than me.

Being intoxicated

I don't know why I am yapping about the movie. It's somewhat poor in execution and the language barrier makes you scoff. But the actors are stupendous. That's why it's Yanggaw, the actors made it alive and bloodthirsty as hell.

Yanggaw tells the story of a family whose daughter has been ill after working in a place called Alegra (sounds like somewhere in the Pyrenees). After returning home and after quacks and doctors pry the girl, to no avail she has been transformed into somewhat a sexy human-eating being.

This Gawad-Urian stellar is somewhat like all the indie films we see set in the real farmvilles of society, what comes into play is the actors who are hand pciked to produce a simple yet highly intoxicating movie which I had watched three times in a row.

Ronnie Lazaro who plays the father is the center of the story. Not his sexy aswang of a daughter. The movie shows how a father loves his daughter so much that he is beckoned to do everything to protect her. So cheesy.

But setting the baked mac aside, we can see how the character is given depth. However, if the father's character is given much attention, the others are left to do the being. I could not understand the character of Amor (the aswang) as I watch the movie and see her transform there is this message flashing in my head that say's "Need more information please!". Nor the character of the wife, what is she a narcotic?

I must say that Tetchie tries her best to speak the language but it sometimes come to a point that you almost hear her faltering back to Filipino. But for the effort, I praise her.

Joel Torre comes in, and though one and for some the only ringing name in the movie, and only does teasing. He scares, he taunts and then he dies. Wait, before taunting he plays volleyball.

The movie projects the demand for low cost quality films. And Yanggaw is a thumbs up for this one. But please, next time remove the fog before proceeding. Saan nilawayan si Amor? Tell ME!/KP

When dragging a troll

I can't imagine Harry do one but its really what I am feeling right now. Dragging incompetent trolls. My co-majors. Here we are in a cafe working for a project in Asian Studies and they look that they have no idea what they are doing. Some know, others-dead air.

I just hope that we could finish it in time for the deadline. I am grateful that I could easily adapt to the communal cafe life, it's still unbearable for me to remember my loss.

I just hope that some of my classmates knock their heads and realize that it is their futre they are working on. As for me I always and will always say this, I hate incompetent trolls who like to play Drag me to Hell./KP

Something less tragic

Yes I have lost everything; too make an exaggeration and to make it more interesting. I know it's too late yet I will try to convince you to read these:

Animal Farm by George Orwell

The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai

Peksman Nagsisinungaling Ako by Eros Atalia

Bumasa at mag-enjoy. It is not the end. Yet./KP

Saying Goodbye, Okay, and Sorry

It is true to the phrase that saying goodbye is very hard. I never had the chance to say so. The moment was stolen from me. I let them steal it. I opened my arms and welcomed them with a very big smile on my face. I was stupid and very very dumb.

(For those who did not know, my laptop was stolen inside the school premises, 1 October 2009 at around 7:40 to 8 in the evening.)

Yes it is my fault and I could not blame anybody else. It was a careless decision to leave such valuable thing unattened. but as trusting and as haggard as I am that time, I did not let my mind work. I let it overrun and miss look everything that should be taken care of. In short, I was a total dudderhead.

As I sit here in an internet shop (can you imagine that i am here???) I still could feel and see my beloved laptop infront of me with Aizyl's Tattoo on its left side blinking with the beautiful color of blue. I need a handkerchief right now.

Call it cheesy or tag me as a sentimental dopehead, but I really regret that I did not use my worldly knowledge that night. I feel so stupid even if I just recall that moment. Could someone hack me with a pick axe?

I am still not "over" with the loss. I halluciante. Yes I do. For three straight days, my mind wonders off where the laptop has gone into. I think I am going nuts. But it's just a comment, you can attest to that fact if it's true or not. It's like I am drugged (not like I had ever been one). Or maybe my imagination has just gone too far.

The big scary moment was when I had to tell my parents. Its been what, ten months (give or take a day or two) since tatay bought it for me. And I was scared of my witts trying to imagine what my father would do to me if he would get the news. I was not afraid that I had lost the laptop. I was afraid that I would disappoint him. But it's too late, I already went kaploey.

Disappointment is my worst enemy and my father makes it in human form. It's very painful to see your father cry ladies and gentlemen, very painful indeed for he is holding himself calm of what he intends to do. He holds himself of by crying to stop his impulse of punching me in the face and practicing my gag reflex. It is very painful to see that's why I cried. I couldn't even utter the words "Sorry" for I know that would only break his heart more. I was the living disappointment.

So this is me, writing something that is totally and utterly stupid for the things that I had stupidly done.

I say thank you.

To Nanay, Tatay (especially Tatay) and Ging.
To my classmates who are in logic primary suspects but also victims of false criminal interpretation who said sorry even though they made no mistake.
To my SILAK buddies who supported and understood the situation and analyzed it for me when my brain was not working properly.
To my co-borders and Eleros (uy, promotion) who comforted my blank expression when I got home Thursday evening.

Sa lahat. Salamat.

By the way, for the first time, nag kuha ako ng quote sa FB, at timing, eto sabi niya.

Losing everything is at the same time the scariest, as well as the most libe...rating experience you can have. When you have something, - anything, you've got to protect it from disappearing. And so worry becomes a resident in your heart. When you've got nothing, your heart overflows with gratitude for every offering you receive.

Thank you. Bumalik trust ko sa you JC.