Sagrada Familia

I don’t know if the world is just totally crazy or if God just wants me to suffer. I have doubts if the latter is much true.

Why does hierarchy affect relationships?

Why do people on top assume that they are always right?

Why are they obsessed of always being right?

God is that mean kid poking my anthill. And I don’t like it, thank very much. I now totally wonder why God had placed me into a family where my opinion is unheard of, where my voice is much much smaller than a squeak of a mouse. I never had respect.

Is it a requisite that if you’re the youngest you have to respect and not be respected?

If God had put all the respect in a shower, I must have been the last one to take the bath. I never had one in this family. Respect here is earned with hard labor, countless pleadings and gazillions of tears. But it always fall on deaf ears.

Nanay told me not to worry about my future job since I was far from graduating yet. Why am I so worried about a job in the future? I am obsessed of proving myself as a member of this family that I am deserving of their respect. Of their attention. Of their understanding.

Some may think that this is over reacting on one scenario. But this is always the scenario here. Who would be happy?

Yes, they give me what I want. Yes they send me to school. But do they really understand and respect me for what I love? For what I am? For what I do?

Yesterday, Nanay told me to quit from the publication. But I could never do that. I could never leave something that considered me as a respectable person (even though times in it were mostly pun jokes and shouting). It is the one of the things that keep me from not going to school. It is what I consider my home. You may think of me as a crazed person but if there is nothing you can hold on to, you’ll find something close.

Even though people in the publication are not my family, they treat me as one (pasensya kung medyo cheesy). At least they had respected me for my capabilities and who I am. I was never shouted at for what I did not do, I wasn’t screamed at when clarifying what to do, I was never called stupid (except on jokes), I was never a good for nothing, my opinions are heard. I had a voice.

So what should I do?

First, get a job after college and stay some place far. I never want our relationship in the family to worsen. If I stay here, it will be in the dump.

Second, prove to them that I am worthy of emotional attention. Let them break the rules that men have feelings. And that I need someone to explain why I hate cuddling with my family.

Third, stop my thoughts of ending my life in a oh-so-tragic way (hey, everyone is suicidal nowadays, it’s the new trend!).

It is true that respect is earned. Here, it is your job to earn it.

To refresh you of what is happening, I am currently in a family slash enemy situation. Bear with the cheesiness and get some macaroni./KP